Naf BlogA short taglineJekyll2013-11-17T01:47:19-08:00http://iamnafets.github.io/Stefan Maihttp://iamnafets.github.io/iamnafets@gmail.comhttp://iamnafets.github.io/thinking/changing-minds2012-12-15T06:49:33Z2012-12-15T06:49:33ZStefan Maihttp://iamnafets.github.ioiamnafets@gmail.com<p>Everyone reacts to inflammatory opinions on the internet. Never before in society has the invisible battleground of ideas been so visible. And what’s not to love about the invigorating, almost tribal feelings behind stepping up to correct the “errors” of all who disagree with your group — rising to displace their slander with your facts. And we think we’ve come such a long way from the times where groups didn’t need <em>reasons</em> to be at odds with one each other, they just did. Now we spar in ideaspace with weapons of logic and reason, right? And you’re Ironman out there, pushing it all forward.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t think so (when I’m reasonable). I think the moral progress from pissing contests among alpha-males to organized debates of orators is negligible. At best we’re just cheering on the representative of our group as they lay down the tracks back from the conclusion they’ve already reached, applauding louder the better they do. At worst we’re getting in the way of finding some truth, of growing and learning how we all fit together. Because people are wealthy with words these days, they are impoverished in understanding. Why look elsewhere when rationales for your current position are so easy to collect?</p>
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<p>It’s really hard to understand how people change their minds about something big without having done it yourself. And you need to go all the way. The only opinions that are worth changing are the ones that you must sacrifice some commitment to break free of. Everything else is just a diversion. Part of that is tying it to your identity, then using it as a filter through which you view reality. Or committing yourself to this idea with time, money, and energy. Then calling it all for not, abandoning ship, and starting over. That is the trip.</p>
<p>But if you immediately cling to the opposing view, switching sides with elastic force then you’ll miss the golden opportunity: to find the middle and to see both sides with clarity. There’s no credit to be had in whoring yourself out to every cause in vogue, dabbling in every religion, rooting for every politician, or cheering for every team. You’re easy and your commitment is shallow. But finding a way to cross through the vulnerable middle opens you up to all the axes that you need to explore. The perspective on your position is made complete.</p>
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<p>The thing I’ve come to understand (and I believe it’s backed up by modern research, ancient wisdom, and sales books everywhere) is that people don’t change their mind by argument, they change it by emotion. You can’t roar into a conversation, violating all of your audience’s triggers, and expect them to be open to you. And you can’t reasonably know those triggers without quite a lot of experiential information.</p>
<p>Of course there are subversive ways to manipulate emotions to reach a goal, but the real way to change someone’s mind is to completely understand their perspective and approach it strategically like a general on home turf. But here’s the paradox: you can’t completely understand their perspective until you’re in it, and once you’re in it you probably aren’t even considering changing your mind. The better equipped you are to do the work, the less motivated you are to do it.</p>
<p>And that’s why I think some people are quiet. They understand the beautiful complexity of the issues of mankind and care deeply about them, but know that no one is going to run forward with a magic slogan that flips everyone’s switch. And it makes me irritated (and mad at myself) when we are obstinately loud in asserting the stupidity of the world at large. Not because I think the point is wrong, but I think it’s careless and lazy. We’re opting for the low-effort, low-effect means of working towards our goal rather than mastering the proper route of persuasion: listening and speaking softly.</p>
<p>Make your words count.</p>
<p><a href="http://iamnafets.github.io/thinking/changing-minds">Changing minds</a> was originally published by Stefan Mai at <a href="http://iamnafets.github.io">Naf Blog</a> on December 15, 2012.</p>http://iamnafets.github.io/thinking/seattle-and-newness2012-05-06T21:15:46Z2012-05-06T21:15:46ZStefan Maihttp://iamnafets.github.ioiamnafets@gmail.com<p>It’s been said that the soul travels at the pace of a camel. You can move to Amsterdam but it’ll take a few months before you’re really there. I’ve been in Seattle for almost two years now, but it feels like I’ve been alive here forever.</p>
<p>Moving really slows down time, which is good because it feels like everything is speeding up. I’m almost certainly making this up but I looked at my watch a few days ago and I could <em>see</em> time passing by more quickly, as if I had some sort of external reference by which to verify that claim. My emotional response was almost the same as a kid who realizes that the blanket he used to love is _really _small.</p>
<p>Is is truly liberating leaving everything behind. When I initially moved up here I stayed in hotels until I found a Craigslist house that would take me, then hunkered down and tried my hardest to adjust. I budgeted for six months of loneliness (it’s oddly satisfying to <em>allow</em> yourself to feel negative emotions) and let go of all the social pressures that suggested that I was failing if I didn’t have a full schedule every night. I’m happy to report that I’ve got a lot of budget left over. Initially I knew no one and loved it. I rode the bus because I wanted to, not entirely because it was cheaper, or really more convenient, or anything. I played videogames on my phone while sitting in line, stared out of windows, and walked everywhere. I ate a lot of canned food and microwave meals. I just didn’t care; I did what I wanted. And I did fine.</p>
<p>Maybe this shouldn’t be surprising. It’s not like there aren’t hoards of people out there telling you to be yourself (and exactly what that looks like). But epiphanies are personal, and growth doesn’t happen in lecture halls. I was deathly afraid of leaving my social net because I didn’t know how far I would fall. What I failed to compensate for was that there were nets underneath.</p>
<p>The thing is that social connections have this way of keeping you the same. Even if inside you’re churning and changing, the shell of you remains consistent. Which is good when things are great. But at some point it doesn’t make to sense to hold on to a shell no longer your own. Friends are not just wrappers waiting to be shed off as you blossom; that’s not the picture I want to paint nor the life I want to live. But there are situations where temporal disconnects can make all the difference in becoming who you are. I think I needed one.</p>
<p>And if there was a more perfect setting for shedding skin, I know of none. Seattle is beautiful year round. I knew coming up here that this was going to be the case and I have resisted the pressure to become bored of the scenery. The trees, colors, mountains, lakes, people, houses… all lovely. The mountains here are like a cute girl you liked in junior high, where you plan out these little glances all day because they make you feel immaterial and you want to go back as soon as you turn your eyes. It makes sense that people would want to live in a place that’s beautiful. It’s like the primitive human in you suggesting that this is a good place to stay for the moment. And when that voice dies down and the sun is low you gather your energy from everything else, soaking it all in. I try hard to be happy and it just works.</p>
<p>If I’ve discovered anything from the past couple years of my life, it’s that everything is negotiable if you have the momentum to push. Start small and build steam. Things don’t “fall into place” in the lives of those who work for it: they tumble in delightful reverence for life done right. Don’t forget to breath every day.</p>
<p><a href="http://iamnafets.github.io/thinking/seattle-and-newness">Seattle and Newness</a> was originally published by Stefan Mai at <a href="http://iamnafets.github.io">Naf Blog</a> on May 06, 2012.</p>